"The only way to find out what story you're in, is to determine what stories you're not in" - Stranger Than Fiction

On Tuesdays, we're aiming to nudge you in the direction of musical bliss. It will take several months for us to discuss all of the artists you should be listening to and why. So we'll give you a head-start by letting you know what you should absolutely avoid. I've been unable to listen to my iPod while driving for basically the last three months, so I've been stuck listening to the radio. We wish Video did kill the Radio Star. During my iPod-less tenure, I think I've only heard seven songs: "Party in the USA", "Tik Tok", "Fireflies", "Whatcha Say", "Evacuate the Dance Floor", "Bad Romance", "3", and "Empire State of Mind". I'm not even putting links to those songs, because if you've managed to avoid them then I don't want to expose you to the Swine Flu.

Four of those songs are unforgivably abysmal and two of them were kind of cool but have lost their touch. Only "Empire State of Mind" is a good song. But when it's played once every seven seconds, it starts to sound like this. I'm not sure if the radio has always been so painfully poor, or if it is simply my grand fortune that it just sucks balls now that I am without an iPod. As inconvenient as my luck happens to be, I'm going to assume that the song selection on the radio has sucked longer than the LA Clippers.I can say, with certainty, that if the majority of your music listening comes from the radio, your ears are being gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback gorrillas.

Writing this almost seems pointless, because I can't imagine anyone listens to the radio and digs these songs. However, radio stations are miraculously in business. It's sad when numerous people answer the question, "what kind of music do you listen to?" with "oh, whatever is on the radio". Relying on the radio for quality music, is like building your movie library from the Be Kind Rewind Store.

So in addition to not listening to the radio, here are a list of some artists to avoid like the drunk blonde at the bar who's dancing resembles a down syndrome kid having a seizure.

Ke$ha - In general, avoid anyone who uses gimmicks like replacing an "s" with a "$". Her music is far from money and her behavior is questionable. Anyone who brushes their teeth with "Jack" and finds Mick Jagger attractive should be approached with caution. Her music is fun but provides little else in the form of artistry and lyrics. Simply put, she's just another drunk girl at the bar.

Miley Cyrus - As a rule of thumb, any artist that started their career making music for 6-year old boys and middle-school girls will not transcend into the next Red Hot Chili Peppers or Dave Matthews Band. The case against such musicians is great(Lil Romeo, the Spice Girls, and 99% of Boy Bands, Hilary Duff, etc.). The obvious exception is Justin Timberlake.

Lady GaGa - She gets props for being the first artist to become popular despite the CSI investigations regarding her sex. Boy George, RuPaul and Clay Aiken should applaud her. Unfortunately, her music gets placed on the same shelf as Ke$ha. Her sound is catchy and fun, but her lyrics are empty. She has a filthier mouth than that lint-licker from the Orbitz commercial.

Soulja Boy - On occasion, you can find us in the club, enjoying these kind of songs for what they are. But you certainly won't find Soulja Boy sneak his way into a playlist that includes: Kanye, Weezer, Michael Jackson, Lupe, The Beatles and Fallout Boy. He just doesn't belong. Same goes for Gucci Mane, DJ Unk, GS Boyz or any other artist with all beats and no lyrics.

Almost every country artist - There's a few that we'll entertain. And if it's your cup of tea, so be it. But any songs about dead dogs, exes from Texas, drinking problems, the "holler", and especially songs with underlying racism should be avoided.

If you delete those artists from your playlist and stay away from the radio, you still won't have our phenomenal cosmic music powers. But when you know what story you're not in, it'll be easier for you to appreciate the story you should be in.

BONUS: Like some great CD's, if you make it all the way to the end, you get an extra reward. Check out these songs: Wale - Contemplate, John Mayer - Assassin, Kid CuDi - Heart of a Lion.